I think I now need to keep track of time. Time has been odd, has been queer, has been time has been odd, has been. There’s a loop that loops that there is a loop that goes on in my head ever since I started to attempt to understand time has been odd, has been queer, has been a loop since I tried to understand the sounds that came from this, well, I don’t even know what this is. I remember nothing from before it, but I remember now before it but I remember. I remember it came to me in a dream, a dream that came to me the night I saw it in a dream. Well, not really saw, more like felt. At least I think I felt it. That’s the thing with dreams, isn’t it? You’re never really completely sure how to word them out when you wake up. Then again, it’s not like there were any words, it was more like I felt it all around me, I think I felt it. It’s odd, it’s queer, it has been like that in a loop ever since it came to me in a dream. It spoke to me, it spoke to me in a feeling that I felt all around me, inside me, outside me, it spoke to me in a feeling. It whispered words into my ears and into my mind, in a feeling I tried to understand time has been odd, has been queer, has been a loop and it told me things I cannot comprehend. Ah well, that was 8 days ago ever since it was 7 days ago since it was 10 years ago since it came to me in a dream. I’m tired now, I think I’ll rest. I do not know why, but sleeping on this flesh is better than sleeping on the cold rock floor of this cave where I’ll rest I’m tired now.
I woke up from a nightmare today. I thought I dreamt of an octopus, and my god, now I wish I dreamt of an octopus. I remember seeing tentacles, lots of them. I remember that all around me I felt flesh, the slime of sweat and cum mixed together, and the flesh was slathered in it. I woke up covered in sweat myself, and in my head echoes the whispers that I heard. I do not remember exactly what I heard, or what they mean, but I feel haunted. I feel what I heard, and it terrifies me. Maybe it’s just another fever dream, my temperature has been high for the past week. Maybe I should see a doctor later after work. I woke up from a nightmare today.
I remember seeing globes. Breaking apart and forming at the same time, I remember seeing globes. I walked to the cave today after I saw globes breaking apart and forming at the same time. The cave floor is cold to sleep on.
I forget what the doctor told me. I’m unsure what exactly happened, but I think that time is starting to loop into a globe that is breaking into flesh. I remember the flesh. I remember what the doctor’s flesh felt like that day. It felt like it was drenched in sweat and cum. Was it mine? I do not remember. I do remember the flesh. I remember what the doctor’s flesh felt like that day. I think there was blood, there’s still a reddish brown tint under my nails. It’s hard to see clearly inside this cave, but I think my eyes are adjusting to the darkness. I listened to the voice that I felt in my dream, and I think I need to understand. I need to listen again, I need to understand the voice that I felt in my dream. I need to, else there’s no purpose to heaving ears that cannot hear. I have to sleep now, and I pray that I dream again. I found a chunk of flesh in the cave. I’m not sure what it’s doing there, but it’s not the most uncomfortable thing to sleep on.
The cave. That’s where I’ll understand. I’ll try hiking there after work, maybe catch the sunset on the trail if I’m lucky. Or maybe I should go there some other time, and go to the doctor first?
Time. It spoke something about time. The very nature of time, that time is not a constant that it spoke about time it’s more like I felt the flesh of the doctor while I understood that time is not. I think I needed to eat the doctor to understand time. I think his blood flowed backwards back into his skull after I cracked it with the knowledge of wanting to understand time, then I think his blood flowed back. I need to understand more. I need to know how time exists, why it exists, and why his blood flowed backwards into his skull. I can read the inscriptions on the globe now, when I dream, I can read the inscriptions on the globe now.
It spoke its name to me in a dream that I had while I was sleeping on the cave floor that I slept on to dream so I can hear its name being spoken to me while I slept. And I heard the name, I heard a name that I can feel through my growing understanding that time is beginning to become odd because the globes are cracking while I can hear the name. I am beginning to begin understanding what this all means. I am beginning to hear the globes crack open and reveal the contents of time which has been queer and odd and I think I need to start keeping track of time. I need to be cautious about what I say, about what I think. It told me that there is no alone, there is no peace, there are only words that it spoke to me in a dream and that my words can turn to words on paper which can be read which can be confusing because time is starting to warp itself upon me, as I broke open another skull I felt my own blood flow backwards. I broke open more skulls and more globes broke open, the more skulls I broke open the more time started to become odd to become globes that keep breaking open. Tonight I slept on the piece of flesh I tore off from the doctor’s stomach again.
Sometimes I miss my family. Sometimes I miss not knowing what I know now. Then it speaks to me in dreams, and nobody has ever done that. Promises of knowledge beyond these pages, beyond the ink which you read now, beyond the world that I know. I must sleep, I must dream, I must understand time, I must understand why the things that happen to me happen over and over and over again every time a fresh pair of eyes read me. I have seen the future and in the future there is nothing but cold, I have seen the end of the universe and there resides the ones that watch, I have seen my birth, I have seen my own mother bleed to death, I have seen that time is as fluid as a loop that loops inside my head that loops, I have seen you reading me, I have seen me being created. I must sleep I must rest I must close my eyes, you must close your eyes, time is becoming harder to conceptualize.
Now there is nothing. I am everything and nothing at once. I have grown, all the globes have broken open and from them came Knowing and from the understanding came my ascension into godhood. Did you not wonder how you can read my thoughts? Did you think I kept a journal in disarray, writing down my thoughts as meticulously as this while I lost my mind? I am sane now, sane again. Beyond sane, I am the only one sane now. There are no globes left to crack, there are no skulls left to break, I now understand. I am nothing, I do not exist yet I exist. When you take a walk, travel to a different country, there is no possibility that I will ever meet you. Yet here you are, reading me, listening to me. I exist, yet I do not. What day is it today? Is it still Sunday? Did they print me well?
Now I understand. I am pointless, I am nothing, I do not exist. I wish I never dreamt. I wish I still believed me to be real, to have had a family, a job, a house. I wish I were still insane, in the cave, killing people that do not exist. Time is looping again, I woke up from a nightmare today because time is odd, is queer, is a loop that loops in a loop inside my head that loops as the globes break open. Please stop, please let me rest, please don’t go back, let me rest let me sleep let me die let me
Carlos Deriquito is a student of UP Mindanao who writes things like that one you’ve just read.