Fast-break Breakfast

Fiction by | May 6, 2012

“Dino, did you know that there’s some really good toast served in a mysterious island somewhere around Samal? It’s rumored to be the greatest dish of toast ever toasted. One hell of a breakfast!”

“Rex, dude, are you serious? That sounds seriously interesting. The world’s best toast, huh? How do we get there? Is there like a secret boat that will take us there?”

“No. We’ll have to swim.”

“Swim? To Samal? From Davao? Fart yeah! How do we recognize the island though?”

“It breathes fire. I don’t think it’ll be that hard to miss.”

“Should we go now? I mean it is 2 am.”

“No better time than the present, bro.”

The two of them burst out of the room, spirits brimming with youth and enthusiasm, and left Dino’s house. They ran, they sprinted, they jumped over rails, they combed their hair with gushes of wind, and then they waited for a jeep. They rode one heading to the Lanang area and sat at the edge of the jeep, eager to get to the mysterious island.

“Hey Rex, this toast is available for anyone, right? I mean, can we just waltz into the island and eat the toast? No catch?”

“Well, actually—“

A large van slammed suddenly against the jeep and forced it to a halt. The passengers fled from the crippled vehicle, trying to reach a safe location away from the jeep. Dino and Rex crawled out of the crash scene, slightly bloody and damaged, and sat down on the ground.

A group of guys wearing ghillie suits and masks came out of the van and approached Dino and Rex. They raised their pistols, directed at the two guys, and spoke in unison.

“You two will end your quest for the sacred toast here.”

“End our quest? Don’t make me laugh,” uttered Rex.

“Exactly. You fools aren’t going to make us do anything because you’re all just walls in our path. We’ll demolish you, you farts!” added Dino.

The group of guys started shooting around Dino and Rex, making them flinch.

“Don’t you get it?” the group said, “we are the Toast Ghost. A syndicate made to ensure the protection of the sacred toast. There’s no way that we’d let a couple of worms like you two have it.”

“Worms? Rex, did you hear that? They called us worms.” said Dino.

“I heard them. I heard them. Listen, you posers. Initially, my bud and I were just gonna trick you guys to believe that we would back off, then continue our quest for the ‘sacred’ toast once you douchebags were gone. But now, with a slight like ‘worms,’ my bro and I are just gonna have to show you guys why we’re known as the immortal brothers. BITCHES!”

Two bullets were fired, one for Rex, and one for Dino. The two of them fell lifeless on the street. The members of Toast Ghost hid their guns and prepared to evacuate the scene as quickly as they could. They got in their van and drove off until Dino jumped and kicked the side of the vehicle.

“Hey, flockers! Guess who’s back!” yelled Dino.

“How. . . We shot him in between the eyes! How is he still alive? This is bullshot!” screamed one of the members of Toast Ghost.

Rex ripped open the roof of the van. He waved with a grin.

“How? That’s actually really easy to answer. We, the immortal brothers, are no longer human. We’ve gone beyond that. We’re metahumans,” said Rex.

“Now, it’s time for you, ass-wipes, to bite the dust,” concluded Dino.

The two of them punched and hammered the vehicle repeatedly until it leaked out gasoline and burst into flames. Dino and Rex fixed themselves up, patting the dust and debris off of their clothes. Then they waited for another jeep.

After some minutes, they arrived at the quay facing the gulf. They took their shirts off, did some stretches, jogged in place for three minutes, then dived into the estuary that connected the fresh waters of Davao to the sea. They swam for a solid hour until Rex paused and floated.

“Hey, Dino!”

“Yeah, Rex?”

“If an immortal gets ripped to piece and those pieces are scattered all over the sea, does that immortal die?”

“Pretty much, dude.”

“And dude!”

“What?”

“What attracts sharks?”

“Blood. Why do you ask?”

“Coz one’s biting my leg.”

The shark clamped onto Rex’s leg and dragged him along a couple of meters. Dino swam furiously to catch up with the shark, pushing away scoops of saltwater at each stoke. He caught up with the shark after five minutes and punched its skull open. He struggled with the lifeless body the shark and shattered the hundreds of jagged teeth lining its mouth, releasing Rex.

“Dude, Rex, you okay?”

“My leg was just marred by a shark, but other than that, I’m fine. Are we close to the island?”

Fire burst out from small nearby island. Dino and Rex and swam towards the island. They got to the shore and were greeted a group of people wielding guns and stones.

“Can we have some toast?” asked both of them.

Silence.

“Were you the pair that killed the protectors of our sacred toast?” replied the islanders.

“Heck yeah! We blew those freaks sky high!” boasted Rex.

Silence.

“Kill them,” said the head of the islanders.

“Wait a moment—“

They attacked Rex and Dino, throwing rocks that looked like stone toast glazed with gravel dust, and unleashing a flurry of bullets. The two of them were hit by every bullet and stone directed at them. They collapsed and stained the shoreline red with their blood.

The villagers rejoiced at their death, managing to prevent their precious toast from falling into the hands of two teenaged boys. The islanders mocked the corpses; the island leader even went as far as to stab the island’s flag—a piece of toast in front of a green backdrop—through Dino’s mouth.

“Today, we have saved our treasure from being devoured by evil!” the leader exclaimed as his people rejoiced. “No longer will those worms haunt us—“

“Again with the worm comment! Can’t you guys come up with a better insult?” interrupted Rex.

“What. . .” the island head said in shock.

“Shuuck ihht!” mumbled Dino as he yanked the flag out of his mouth. “I said, suck it! You weaklings really think that you got what it takes to beat metahumans?”

“I don’t understand. . .” wheezed the island head in fright.

“Doesn’t matter. What does matter is getting some of that toast. I want some toast. Do you some want toast, Rex?”

“Definitely, bro.”

“Heard that? We want toast. Now are you going to give us the to—“

“KILL THOSE MONSTERS!” yelled the island head.

“Lock n load,” said Rex definitively.

The two of them ripped through the attacking islanders, driving their hands through throats, breaking ribs with their kicks, crippling legs with their knuckles, even decapitating the island leader by biting his hair and tugging his head off with their jaw. They confronted the survivors.

“Toast! Now!” demanded Rex.

In fear, the islanders gave their most sacred possession, the most gorgeous looking slices of toast in the world. The two of them reveled at the sight of such wonderful toast. They carefully reached out for the slices, cherishing each second. The slices were making their way to Rex and Dino’s mouths when—BEEP!

“Oh, fart! Dude, Rex, it’s lunch time.”

“Already?”

“It was probably all those jeep rides that delayed us.”

“C’est la vie.” added Rex as they both threw the slices of toast in a nearby receptacle. “But, dude, I’m still hungry.”

“KFC?”

“Race you there!”

The two of them swam back to Davao, leaving the sacred toast and the islander in ruins.


Dave Cutler is a freshman student of writing at UPMin.

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